


Toy Soldier

by TheRedLotusFlower88



Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TV 2012)
Genre: Brotherly Love, Contains spoilers from the last few episodes aired, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Family Feels, First Time Kill, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Mikey needs a hug, Self-Hatred, Spirit Master Splinter, Spiritually Wounded, slight angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-13
Updated: 2017-04-16
Packaged: 2018-10-18 12:06:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10616574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheRedLotusFlower88/pseuds/TheRedLotusFlower88
Summary: He's tired of being the weakest link, as seen by their enemies. So he trains. Trains, and trains, and trains until eventually, nobody, not even himself, can recognize him anymore.





	1. Weak Link

He should've been happy.

They finally defeated Dragon-face after the first few failed tries, the world isn't falling apart anymore, and the Foot Clan were strangely quiet, thanks to the temporary truce between the turtles and them. Shredder was gone (and he tries not to think about his father in the same aspect), and Karai is most likely stepping up in his place. Now that they were no longer enemies, she was something he could proudly call a sister, without getting a nasty glare (courtesy of Raph) in return. Bradford was dead (he still whimpers a little, despite being enemies. His movies were cool!), and as far as he knows, any other lackey of the Shredder's were off doing something. All in all, peace was finally in place.

Except, there was no peace. At least, not for him.

He can't stop thinking about it. All the times he's faced a powerful enemy, only to end up severely hurt and unable to carry himself. This wasn't the first time it happened, he noted quite clearly, and he's almost certain it won't be the last - considering how everyone thinks the same of him.

To the enemies, he's a easy target.

To the team, he's the weight that holds them down.

To friends, he's annoying.

He gets so _sick_ of these _labels_! He might not be as strong as Raph, or as smart as Don, or have the confidence like Leo, but he was still a _ninja!_ He knows how to get out of a situation pretty quick, and often times can land on his feet more times than he has fallen. And sure, _because_ certain enemies outclassed him (Tiger Claw), he was bound to lose, but damn it, he should've put up a better fight. Leo made it look so easy, he should've done the same thing! Instead, he gets beaten around like some toy before the big reveal of the plan, that he was chasing after a decoy, and _damn it_ it still sucks that he'd barely hold a candle to someone like Tiger Claw.

(Then again, Tiger Claw was mostly Leo's enemy to begin with. If Chris was still alive, he'd most likely be hunting his shell, the weirdo.)

Mikey gritted his teeth and tighten his fist, angry, but most of all disappointed in himself.

If anyone had seen that fight, they would've assume he wasn't a ninja, but a wannabe. How many times has he been beaten up? How many times has he allowed himself to be bait for his brother's plans? How many times has Master Splinter, his father, told him he needed to pay more attention to ninjutsu when they were training? And despite having to learn that since they were tots, Mikey continues to fail, more and more, and fall to their enemy.

He even compares himself to Casey, which is ridiculous. Casey doesn't know ninjutsu, and yeah, even _Mikey_ could beat his ass if he'd tried. But still, he can't help but think that maybe, just maybe, Casey was a bit better than him, even in battle.

 _I can't keep doing this,_ he thinks, looking up at the ceiling of his bedroom. _I can't keep letting the team down like this. Myself down. Sensei would be disappointed in me, and I wouldn't blame him. I'm disappointed too._ Mikey sighed.

No more. He's not going to let the team down again. He's going to train, and work hard, and he'll no longer be the 'weak link' of the team.

For the first time ever, Mikey was actually motivated for training.    


	2. Silence And Darkness

It starts with him wanting to train in secret. He knows his brothers are going to know what's up, and ask him what's his problem - or maybe they know not look into a gift horse's mouth - and he honestly doesn't want to explain it. He doesn't want his brother's pity, or understanding. He already _knows_ he's bad for the team, and he wants to make up for it, so that's why he wants to do this away from his brothers. He wants to surprise them all, that he too, is a good ninja, and he doesn't need their help whenever he gets into a sticky situation. He can hold his own.

Additionally, he refused to train the dojo. Ever since Splinter passed away, he was pretty sure he could feel his spirit lingering about. He often heard Leo talking to himself in there, and often times, he thought he could his father talk back to him. It wasn't...creepy, per say, (okay, it's a lot creepy), but it did leave him feeling a bit uncomfortable. It's his father, sure, and he shouldn't be, but he knows Splinter would ask him what was wrong, just like his brothers, and, unlike his brothers, Splinter would already know, even if he didn't tell him. He doesn't want to have that conversation, that's only going to drive him back from his word.

So he decides to head up top, in secret. He knows Leo doesn't like it when his brothers go somewhere without telling him, but if Leo starts questioning him, he wasn't sure if he could answer. He could always say that he's heading out for pizza, but then that's a lie, and really, who goes out for pizza late at night? Even Mikey knows better. No, it's better for him to start leaving the sewers without notice than to tell his bros what he was doing. A surprise is a surprise, after all.

Mikey slowly pushed open the lid, and carefully looked around. There was no one in sight so he'd hurried up, and began climbing to the roof. The air was a bit chilly, and the moon was shrouded by clouds, but for the moment, things were peaceful. He could hear the humans that were still out late chatting and laughing down below, so he'd made sure to stay out of sight.

"Okay, first thing first, I need....I need to..." Mikey frowned. He tried to think about what he should be doing first, and the first thing that came to mind was mediation. Master Splinter always told them to mediate before they begun sparing, but for Mikey, that was a problem. He couldn't keep still for hours like his brothers can, and Splinter has always lecture him about that. He doubted he could do that here on the rooftops. He shook his head. "No. If I want to better myself as a ninja, I have to learn to get over my problems. So mediations is what I'll do."

So, he started to sit down, crossing his legs, and began to close his eyes. For a minute, there was absolute silence. Then his leg started twitching, and the corner of his lips started to pull downwards. It was seconds before his snapped open, and he let out an aggravated sigh.

"I can't," _Focus, Michelangelo!_ A voice that sounded suspiciously like Leo shouted in his mind. He shook his head. "I can't. The...the silence is too loud..."

A wind blew, flapping the tails of his mask. He watched a small piece of paper fly with the wind in front of him, curious.

 _I was never the one that does well with silence,_ He thought, miserably. _Even when we were tots, I always needed something...a sound, a light, just anything to keep my mind off what was in the dark I couldn't see. That's why I'm so loud. If I paid attention to the sound, it'll distract me from anything I don't want to know. Don't want to see._ He looked at the moon.

"Even though you're clouded, I can still see you. And you shine so bright." He said, curling up on himself. He continued to stare up at the moon, eyes never leaving, even when he started to tear up. "What kind of ninja am I if I'm never quiet? That I need noise to distract me? Master Splinter would be so disappointed..." He sniffled.

_Wait, Mikey! Maybe that's not a bad thing..._

"Explain." He demanded...to himself.

 _You said you don't like silence because it's too loud, right?_ The voice, sounded like his own, stated. Mikey nodded his head.

"Yeah...?"

 _So, what if you found a sound that's louder than silence?_ Mikey blinked.

"Oookay, even _I_ know that doesn't make sense, dude."

_Just...shut up for a moment, and close your eyes. Let your mind go blank._

"Isn't that dangerous?"

 _Just fucking do it!_ Mikey's eyes went wide.

"Dude...did you just swear? At me?"

 _Fucking hell, I **AM** you! Now pay attention to what I have to say! Or would you rather be the 'weak link' forever? Forever being saved by your brothers, and getting beaten up to a pulp by your foes? Is that what you want? Cause if it is, we're done here. You should go back home, disappointment to the family. _The voice sneered. Oddly enough, it still sounded much like his own, yet more deeper, and a bit more...mature, in comparison.

"...Why are you so mean?"

_Why are you so weak?_

"...." Mikey took a deep breath and closed his eyes, letting his mind go blank, as suggested. There was a tug in the back of his mind, telling him not do this, but he decided to pay it no mind. Eventually, all the color and fun stuff Mikey has always thought of disappeared, leaving nothing but darkness behind. A part of him was scared, screaming at him to stop, that this isn't the way to train (Splinter always said to clear your mind, not let it go blank), but once more, Mikey ignored it.

 _Now, I'm going to let a sound play out, and you're going to tell me where is that sound coming from._ Mikey didn't say anything, too focus on keeping his mind in the dark.

_**Drip. Drip. Drip.** _

Mikey gasped, eyes snapping open.

"H-holy-! That was loud! Even louder than the silence!" He said.

 _Where did that sound come from, Michelangelo?_ The voice asked. Mikey blinked, trying to focus on the sound again.

"It sounded like water dripping from a faucet. It also sounded close, but...I'm guessing it's not," Mikey thought about it some more. "Actually....It's across the street, isn't it? Someone didn't turn off the tab all the way inside their home."

 _Correct. That sound you heard is about a building away from you, on the lower level of an apartment. But you would've never known that had you focus on your surroundings._ The voice explained. _To simply put, Michelangelo, you notice the tiniest bit of the environment, even if it doesn't seem like it. Thus, it's the cause of your distress. You're focusing too much on everyone and everything, and that's why your mind is what it is. And that's why you hate the silence. Silence is just another way of getting your mind to talk, and with everything that goes through your mind, it's pretty much sensory overload for you. It's also why you're good at what you do - creating, and being imaginative. From what I'm understanding, if you didn't have those things distracting you, you can actually focus on training. And this is what I mean about sound being louder than silence. When your mind goes blank, you're not actually thinking of anything. It's just darkness, which is not the same as silence. So when an outer force interrupts that darkness, it comes across as sound, and you can actually pinpoint where that noise is coming from, and what it is._ The voice said, and Mikey could see it shrugging if it had a body.

"So, is what Raph say about me true? I don't have a brain?" He asked.

 _Everyone has a brain, Mikey. It's just yours is always actively searching for something. When it shuts down, it feels a little less crowded and a little more spacious. And we can use that._ The voice said.

"How?"

 _Training. The more you train, the better ninja you can become._ The voice cheered, and Mikey smiled at that before he frowned.

"Why does this feel wrong, though? Master Splinter has always warned us about letting our minds shut down or wonder off. Though, I can't remember why."

 _Something about a shift in spirit, or whatever. But it's a small price to pay, right? I don't think doing this will bring harm._ Mikey nodded.

"Right. It's only because I want to be a better ninja. Master Splinter will understand."

With that, Mikey allowed his mind to go blank again, despite something inside of him screaming not to do it.

   


End file.
